Do not stand at my grave and weep;

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

Altered from a poem possibly by Mary Frye

Love Lessons

I've had a horrific week. On Monday I had a massive row with my husband, on Tuesday I watched my nan die, on Wednesday the row continued and I moved out, on Thursday I registered my nans death and planned her funeral without my husband by my side and on Friday I came home. Throughout all this I felt so angry with Martin (my husband), more lonely than I care to think about and in more pain than I've ever been. The reasons are not important but the lesson is...

The thing we argued about seemed/seems huge. All week we argued. Today the thing is not (yet) resolved but we're not arguing, In fact we're more 'in' love than we have been for a long while. How can this make sense? Because arguing is about selfishness and love is not. Love is not about feeling good inside (although its a great side effect). Love is about behaviour and attitude. Its choosing to see past the things that make me feel hurt, make me angry and stopping focusing one how I'm lonely, and I'm heart broken. Its choosing to see how the person you love feels and what you can do to make them feel better.

When you focus on the person you love and your attitude is not prideful but peaceful you can find yourself in a place much better suited to resolution.

Thank God for His grace to show me this, thank God for the amazing people He has put in my life to teach me about love and thank God for Martin.

Nanny Daisy

My Nan died today. I was with her when it happened. I've never loved anyone who's died before and its a strange feeling, even if you're expecting it. Nan isn't in the world anymore.

I'm not sure how I'll feel reading all this back.

I'm determined not to remember nan with rose tinted glasses - she has a great many faults (don't we all?) but she was such an amazing woman. She was so funny! I can remember once she was sitting next to a cabinet full of cookery magazines - many from the 70s. She was wearing a bright turquoise, silk dressing gown with gold trim (Martin called it her Elvis outfit), her hair was wild and she was tearing the magazines out and all over the floor in a frenzied fashion. I walked in and said 'Nan what on earth are you up to now?' to which she turned, looked at me, shrugged, gave me the two fingered salute and promptly carried on! She had no clue what she was looking for. Martin & I cried we were laughing so much. She was certainly not your average 'little old lady'.

She always did everything with determination, like a little powerhouse. Today though, she wasn't powerful, she was weak and frail. I didn't recognise her although when I really looked, Nan was there. Watching her die was hard but seeing her lay there, not really with us anymore was different to what I expected. I thought she would look 'dead' but it was like she was still there. It made it so hard to leave. Thank God I know Him and so did she, thank God He was with me and that I know she wasn't in the room when I left, she was safe with Him.

I would imagine she'll be up there now, with a glass of ginger wine, having a dance with Jesus and making him chuckle. I hope so.

God Bless you nan, thank you for everything you taught me and for the fun you gave me.

Thank you for letting me love you and look after you.