I'm back. For now.

I've just been reading through my posts. I'm still on my way...I can't play chess yet, i'm at 20lbs lost and am currently on 'pause', Martin and I have had more rows but we seem to learn something each time and I miss my nan.

In fact we were clearing her house today again - its nearly empty now. A shell with only memories bouncing off the newly painted walls. She would have been horrified at what we threw away and probably surprised at what we kept.

I'm working at the coffee shop now 'Open Doors' in Dee Park. I love it and its scary all at once. Its all part of my journey though - I'm certain of that.

I think I'm created for compassion and to fight for justice. Maybe we all are. However I'm thinking I might have to sacrifice to reach the next stage of glory. That's OK though, once I'm sure that is the question, I know the answer will be yes.

Almighty

Last night I watched Evan Almighty. It really struck a cord with me.
I learnt a lot;

1) God answers our prayers
2) God speaks to us throughout the day in a variety of ways
3) God has a sense of humour
4) We are silly
5) We are MUCH safer when we follow Gods plans than when we stick to our own
6) Everything God does is because he loves us
7) Changing the world is easier than we think
8) Its better to be ridiculed and on His path than liked and on our own
9) God often doesn't give us what we pray for directly, rather he gives us a path to it
10)There is more to a lot of things than meet the eye

If you are wondering how I got all this from a film, then watch it!

Entwined in Prayer.

As I stop and try to pray,
I feel so lost - what can I say?
I lift my voice and start to seek,
For He is strong while I am weak.

Satan points out where I've gone wrong,
But God was with me all along.
I give him all my guilt and shame,
He gives me Grace and takes the pain.

And suddenly my heart feels free,
I receive my Fathers love for me.
I thank Him, for he's made me whole,
To live for Him, that is my goal.

Then its time to ask and plead,
To approach my Lord for what I need.
Change my life and all I am,
Bring me closer to your plan.

I can be angry, selfish or I can fear,
But God has joy for all he hears.
Because He knows through what I've said,
He can reveal His truths and change my head.

And my head being changed renews my heart,
To give me joy at each days start.
And as I leave the secret place,
It comes with me, as the day I face.

It's in my heart as we share all day,
To pray without ceasing is the way.
I feel new strength in every plight,
And live each day in Jesus' light.

Thank You that although You're free,
You choose to be entwined with me.

Questions

Here are some questions;

If I pray all week for each day and then one day I wake up late and don't have that time to set aside, am I less protected that day? If so should I be fearful and legalistic about prayer? If not what is the point in praying? Prayer is powerful but why? And in what way? God doesn't need our 'help' so why do prayers have an effect?

If I make a big life changing mistake, and miss Gods plan for that time in my life, will God give me a second chance? If not then is my life 'less' than it would have been?

Does God have favourites? If not what do you make of Moses, King David, John? Can I be a favourite? Or is it a sin to want that?

How old is the world?

Is it better to let people walk all over you? If someone takes my coat I should give them my shirt, if I lend money I shouldn't expect it back etc. But if I live like that how can I prioritise?

What is the universe expanding into?

Should we hate snakes?

If I was conceived from a second marriage, which isn't Gods plan, how can I be part of the plan? I know I am - but how?

Do not stand at my grave and weep;

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

Altered from a poem possibly by Mary Frye

Love Lessons

I've had a horrific week. On Monday I had a massive row with my husband, on Tuesday I watched my nan die, on Wednesday the row continued and I moved out, on Thursday I registered my nans death and planned her funeral without my husband by my side and on Friday I came home. Throughout all this I felt so angry with Martin (my husband), more lonely than I care to think about and in more pain than I've ever been. The reasons are not important but the lesson is...

The thing we argued about seemed/seems huge. All week we argued. Today the thing is not (yet) resolved but we're not arguing, In fact we're more 'in' love than we have been for a long while. How can this make sense? Because arguing is about selfishness and love is not. Love is not about feeling good inside (although its a great side effect). Love is about behaviour and attitude. Its choosing to see past the things that make me feel hurt, make me angry and stopping focusing one how I'm lonely, and I'm heart broken. Its choosing to see how the person you love feels and what you can do to make them feel better.

When you focus on the person you love and your attitude is not prideful but peaceful you can find yourself in a place much better suited to resolution.

Thank God for His grace to show me this, thank God for the amazing people He has put in my life to teach me about love and thank God for Martin.

Nanny Daisy

My Nan died today. I was with her when it happened. I've never loved anyone who's died before and its a strange feeling, even if you're expecting it. Nan isn't in the world anymore.

I'm not sure how I'll feel reading all this back.

I'm determined not to remember nan with rose tinted glasses - she has a great many faults (don't we all?) but she was such an amazing woman. She was so funny! I can remember once she was sitting next to a cabinet full of cookery magazines - many from the 70s. She was wearing a bright turquoise, silk dressing gown with gold trim (Martin called it her Elvis outfit), her hair was wild and she was tearing the magazines out and all over the floor in a frenzied fashion. I walked in and said 'Nan what on earth are you up to now?' to which she turned, looked at me, shrugged, gave me the two fingered salute and promptly carried on! She had no clue what she was looking for. Martin & I cried we were laughing so much. She was certainly not your average 'little old lady'.

She always did everything with determination, like a little powerhouse. Today though, she wasn't powerful, she was weak and frail. I didn't recognise her although when I really looked, Nan was there. Watching her die was hard but seeing her lay there, not really with us anymore was different to what I expected. I thought she would look 'dead' but it was like she was still there. It made it so hard to leave. Thank God I know Him and so did she, thank God He was with me and that I know she wasn't in the room when I left, she was safe with Him.

I would imagine she'll be up there now, with a glass of ginger wine, having a dance with Jesus and making him chuckle. I hope so.

God Bless you nan, thank you for everything you taught me and for the fun you gave me.

Thank you for letting me love you and look after you.

A bit of a test

Well I'm really just checking if i can update my blog from my phone. Its taking a while but it looks like I can.

I'm feeling a bit sad this evening. I went to visit my Nan today for the first time in two weeks (because I've been ill rather than mean) and I didn't recognise her. Not just appearances but it was like she was just a shell - vaguely my Daisy but not really. Its a hard fact of life, death. I hope that this is the end now, it just feels unfair for her to linger on, but not really to be with us at all. I can remember a few months ago when she pinched Martin's bum! -Today she didn't recognise him.

Lord,
I pass my nan into your care-please take her or bring her back.
Amen

Glee

Glee: 1. Jubilant delight; joy.

I'm currently enjoying the TV show Glee - its cheesy nonsense. Happy, singing, funny nonsense.

I've decided I need more Glee in my life. The joy of the Lord should be my strength. I don't feel particularly strong, in fact I feel a lot like a delicate flower that needs just the right conditions to thrive. However I've been told I have a lot of strength inside me, which must mean I have the potential for extreme Glee. I see little glimpses from time to time, I feel the burst of joy, delight and strength but then 'poof', in creeps doubt, fear and insecurity alongside a low sense of self and the Glee is pushed aside. Reclaiming my Glee is my current goal.

Another goal is to have a 'spiritual body'. The idea being everything is spiritual and my health and self esteem is included. I have begun a lifestyle change involving eating healthily and so far (week 6) I've lost 14 & 1/2lbs! I feel really different on the inside - it makes me feel stronger somehow.

I have a feeling its linked to my Glee :)