I've been quite 'stressed' lately, but to be honest its all self inflicted. I've been looking at the way busy people live and realising nothing will change unless I want it to. I'm committed to some things now and I won't let people down, but I need to commit to myself that I won't get this busy again. I started thinking about why people stay so busy...I'm sure for some people they enjoy it, but I think for some people its more about feeling guilty about having free time and feeling like a better person when you can talk about your overfilled diary - I know I've had a buzz when people have looked shocked at how much I'm doing. But ultimately when people convince themselves they are victims of their own diary its a lie - I am taking control!
I saw Rachel (my counsellor) on Wednesday and we hit upon something while talking about guilt and shame. Guilt has a base in anger and anger unresolved can be toxic. I have a lot of unresolved anger, mainly with myself. I'm angry with myself about so many things and when I think about why, I think a good half of it is because its easier - If you upset me, and I can find a way to convince myself its my fault then I can be angry with me and I don't have to tell you, risk you being upset with me and try to resolve our relationship.
The problem is that stress and internalised anger is bad for my health in so many ways! It causes obesity, IBS, depression, anxiety, and many other things - my homework this week is to find out more about the consequences, and then my plan is to sort it out over the next few weeks!!
Expect more info soon :)
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